It's been months since I've last posted on this blog, and I think this will be the last post to grace the pages of my very first blog.
I don't have the time to sit right now and explain all the ups and downs that happened the past few months, but D and I have finally gotten back together, and he's taken the steps to start a new blog. Check it out here: A New Life
I'll leave it up to him to explain what's been going on, and hopefully, I'll get off my lazy ass soon enough to put down some of my insights. I've missed you all.
I just found out the worst thing a girl can ever hear.
My suspicions were right, and D is in love with K. I snooped like I shouldn't have, but I am glad I finally found my reason.
D told K that the only reason he was with me was because he needed to get over the girl who broke his heart.
So for the past two years, I've been living a lie, because I knew about it, I just never had the guts to admit to myself what I've been suspecting about the person I love was right.
At first, I was shattered. I began hyperventilating, and all I wanted to do was to freak out and hurt someone/myself. But if he doesn't respect me enough to tell me the truth, or even to not use me in the beginning, then he doesn't deserve me to do anything for him, ever again.
I went to K to tell her not to break his heart, and whether they will start a relationship or not, she should be good to him. That will be the last thing I ever do for that man.
This blog has way too much to do with my life with him, and starting May 18th, I will be leaving the country for close to 2 months.
So the next time I speak to you, it might be through a new blog. I will have a new mindset, and things will be different.
He used to tell me how lucky he was to have me in his life. I would say no, I'm the lucky one.
"What would I ever do without you?" He would say.
"I don't know. I really don't think I'm all that special. I don't think I'm good enough for you, and one day you'll realize it, and then you will leave me."
"No, that's silly. I will never leave you. You need to start believing that you are good enough for me, and I love you so much."
We would have fights about how I didn't trust him to love me, and how I didn't believe his words.
So I finally let my guard down, and believed that we were good enough for each other. That we will have a beautiful future together, and nothing can break us apart.
And then, I think he finally realized that I'm just not good enough of a girlfriend for him.
Isn't it so painfully ironic?
It was extremely rainy today. Funny how the sky is a little darker every time I visit that place. It's almost like a reflection of my life.
I stopped there really quickly, and ran out as fast as I had ran in. I need to run. I'm tired of the memories catching up to me. But I can't seem to run fast enough, and it is killing me.
**This is a very graphic and depressing depiction of my past few weeks. If you are easily offended, please skip this post. Thanks!
So a few posts ago (Judgment Day), I mentioned that I was going to wait for him in a very special place. And if he shows up, then it would be the start of a new friendship. A new page in our book.
I waited for four hours. I received an email early that morning, but I didn't open it. I have always believed that if you wait blindly for something, Fate would take pity on you, and send it your way. Or maybe I just wanted to wait till the last possible moment, so I can give him all the possible excuses I can think of. So it will finally hit me that it really was over. So I will have no more excuses for myself.
And after four hours, it did. When I looked out the windows at the water. It hit hard. And so I went on with my day, and back to school the next week.
And for some strange reason. We started talking again. And we were once again in that dysfunctional sort of friendship. It was almost like being with him again, but not exactly.
This past week, my life was shattered. I was hit with waves and waves of failure, crushing me to a pulp. I had problems with work, school, family, and he had realized that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
Thursday afternoon, I made a decision. I was going to see him one last time, and if he holds me like he used to, or if he even makes the tiniest move to show that he cared, I will stay strong and pick up the pieces of my life. But if he doesn't notice me at all, then that would be it. After all, he was the one person who had saved me many times before. If anyone saw any good in me, and can pull me back from the edge, it would be him.
He didn't see it.
I had no desire to live. At all. Nothing was important to me anymore. And apparently, I wasn't important to anyone either. That was the closest I had ever gotten to end my life. I felt my sanity slipping away from me. I was losing my grip, finally.
I walked around aimlessly for an hour, looking for the perfect spot to leave this world. But guilt held me back. What would he think if I just killed myself? How would my family be able to live without me?
And so I ran back to my room, and put myself in a place where I was surrounded by people. I distracted myself for the rest of the day, and went to him later that night to try to explain. All he had was anger and hatred for me. It was all over.
That night, I wondered aimlessly around for another few hours. I walked around in the misty rain until my feet were too frozen to walk another step. I then sat outside until the sun came up, and showered and took myself to the counselor once again.
I didn't tell her the whole story, but I told her as much as I could without alarming her to take any actions.
And she tried analyzing the situation with me. With the rest of my problems, she tried to convince me that everything has a solution. She told me that I had a problem with trust. That I need to open up and trust someone with my secrets, to share my pain (Ha, like it turned out well the last time that happened.) She said I needed to accept that I cannot be perfect. That I will fail. But I will pick up the pieces, and it will be okay.
For now, I can't find myself to trust anyone face to face. So I will trust this blog to hold onto my secrets, and not used them against me.
But with D, she made it painfully obvious that I have to start seeing the picture everyone else is seeing. I have done enough. I had tried too many times to force him to come back to me. To love me again. I need to realize that he doesn't want to try anymore. I really have to face the truth and step back now. She told me that I can let him know how hurt I am. But once I've made my point clear, it's time to let go. I can't keep reminding him that I'm hurt, I had to offer a solution.
So my solution is to leave him alone. Against the advice of the others, I will always welcome him back with open arms. I am always willing to try to work things out again. But it's time I let it come to me, instead of chasing after it.
I thought if I tried hard enough, he would come back to me. He would realized how much he was missing without me in his life, that he really loved me and wants to be with me. But I can't do it anymore. I've done enough.
"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours; they belong only to themselves. Possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be as harmful as neglect."
I've always believed that you have to fight for something if you really want it. It's never easy to keep a good thing in your life. It it's worth it, it's bound to be difficult. But obviously, my way of life wasn't working, so it's time for a change.
I have always wanted a boy who would fight for me. Who feels privileged to be in love with a girl that would do anything for him. Someone who can show up unannounced to surprise me, who enjoys my company. Someone who would put in the effort needed to keep us together, to achieve the happiness we both deserve.
Right now, I still love him as much as I did the day we first fell in love. If not more. He is still one of the most important people in my life, and one of the most talented and brilliant people I have ever met. It's such a sad, sad thing that we cannot work things out. That he didn't feel compelled to put in the effort to stay in love with me. But he's still amazing to me, and I still love him so much. And I will only remember the good things between us when I think about the past 2+ years. I will remember learning to love for the first time, learning to trust, and learning to embrace the love I had been given. I will look back fondly at how effortless it can be to be happy. And how great he was at making me smile.
I love the word melancholy. It's such a beautifully sad word. I can almost feel the bitter sadness seeping out of it.
Today, I don't feel like I'm being forcefully drowned anymore. The pain is no longer violently strangling me. Almost like dealing with a death of loved one...the initial shock is gone, but the truth has yet to sink it.
Now, I'm feeling more of an empty, bitter ache.
Tomorrow, I will be visiting that special place for the third time. And I think for the third time, it will be a completely new feeling I have never experienced.
And I don't know if I will ever find the right words to describe it.
Finally got the guts to send the email off. Feels like I finally got the weight off my shoulders. I think I wrote everything I ever needed to say to D in it, so the situation's out of my hands now.
Do you think he'll read it?
I asked him to meet me tomorrow. Turning the computer off for tonight, I guess we'll find out when I get there tomorrow.
For the first time in such a long time that I can't even recall...I think I'm a little happy.
I wrote D an email telling him how I really feel, about the past, the present, and the future. I'm still too afraid to send it because of a fear of rejection, but just sitting down and spilling all my feelings puts a smile on my face. I feel lighter...almost relieved. I don't know if I'll get a positive response when I actually get up the nerve to send the email off. And as insanely scared of him saying no as I can be, I can't help but think that this time will be different. Because I'm different.
I've been able to share more of my fears the past few days, and I think I'm starting to accept the thought that things might really be okay eventually. Instead of feeling miserable about the days that are passing, I'm a tad bit looking forward to the next day now. I don't feel like I have to fake a smile anymore, because some things really do put a smile on my face. I've gotten to spend some quality time with my family, getting lots of work off my shoulders. And tomorrow is my girls'-day-in. Kind of like girls'-night-out, just much more mellow.
I hope I'm not being too optimistic about everything, and I'm not underestimating the difficulty of my challenges. But it can't hurt to hope...right? Or does this sound too good to be true?
I picked a new, lighter layout to reflect my mood. You like?
Sorry for being completely missing for the past month or so. Everyday was a stressful whirlwind, and it only gets better when my head hits that pillow and the whole world turns dark. D and I made attempts to be friends, but my anger and hurt had chased him away. I'm still not over the fact that the person I love the most has just suddenly abandoned me. All the visions, the talks, the happiness...it was like I woke up from a dream, and everything that happened in the past 2 years had disappeared. I don't know what's going to happen now. I still love him more than I probably should, and I would do anything for him to be part of my life. But the ball is in his court, and if D really wants to throw away all we had established in the past years...I'm done fighting him.
During my previous posts, I've left subtle hints about my past depression. A few of you caring readers had picked up on it, and I thank you with all my heart for your encouraging words. For the past 2 months, I have dipped back into the black abyss of insanity. I had suicidal thoughts, I was constantly miserable and depressed, but I have learned to hide it so well that no one noticed. I let it all out when I speak to D, but I guess he just assumes that it was my anger over the break up, and I just wanted to be a crazy bitch to make him miserable.
A few weeks ago, a very good friend(M) reached out to me. And he said, "I know." I had left an away message in my Instant Messenger for the help hotline, but the numbers were backwards. I have debating to call them for weeks, but I was too scared to. What if I wasn't depressed? What if my calls are going to just waste their time? M was the first one to notice that number, and he told me that he will make the call if I need. But I asked him to hold off, because I was so sure that I will be okay.
Last night was my breaking point. After feeling particularly empty about everything, I walked to the edge of the water under the bridge. And one thought went through my mind, "What if they never found my body?"
I returned to my room to go to bed shortly, after trying to speak to D to rant about all the stupid things that were going wrong in my life, and obviously arguing more about everything. I laid down, and started drifting into sleep shortly. For some reason, I saw D in my dream, and I woke with a start. What am I doing to myself? I am stressing about the wrong things, and holding on too tightly for the wrong reasons. I'm not myself anymore. I am nothing like the person I was at the start of this blog, and the transformation scares me. I hate who I turned into. And I knew I needed help. So I made a phone call.
Today is a brand new day, and I hope that in a short time, I will be okay again. I hope that the people I love will return to my life, and work with me for new happiness. I hope that I will learn to enjoy life again, and I hope I can concentrate better on my classes than I have. I hope I will get a second chance at this again. I hope life will be good again.
P.S. I see snow outside my window, and I really miss you.
To watch the images flying through my head, and my body floods with feelings and emotions.
The sweet memories make me smile, but it rips my heart apart when I think about how they might never happen again. My heart hurts when I think about the fun they have, the secrets they tell, their new memories replacing ours. My heart flutters when I recall stopping an admirer's advances the night before. How he was holding me too tight, the feeling of someone else wanting me was too foreign, the way he puts his hand on my cheek was too strange. My heart sinks when I think back about the conclusion I reached at that moment, when I realized all I want is to be in D's arms again. To enjoy our laughter together, to make more memories for me to treasure. My body goes weak, and my head spins when I make the tiniest attempt to accept the fact that my love has been long lost. And really, I have been replaced.
Some days are easier than others. I try to fill my day with busy work, trying to cut him off entirely. But those nights are extra hard to pass, because when I finally lay down to rest, the misery catches up with me, and the pain fills my heart again. Attacking me with emotions, as if to make up for blocking them out all day. It is so hard to forget someone when your entire mind, body ,and soul just ache to be in his company.
The next day would be the days where my will is weak. I would invite myself back into his life, spending some alone time in bed with him, until it's time for him to move on with his day. Those days are harder to deal with, because my mind fills with guilt...to let myself back into that stick, messy "relationship" that isn't even a relationship. But strangely, those nights are easier to pass. Because even though I was once again all alone in the cold, dark night, I can still relish his tight embrace, the kisses, the warmth. And as horrible as it may be, I once again let myself have that glimmer of hope... Hoping that maybe he still has love for me, maybe he will return.
Those nights...I like to sit at the desk and open up those letters I have tucked away when the pain becomes unbearable. Those hidden letters and notes, the notes where I still feel the love seeping from his words. Where he asked me to have patience for him, to wait for him to come back around when he's lost. And I ask myself, can someone really change that quickly? Does he really not feel that way anymore? What if he just needs me to wait?
And my soft, battered heart just cannot fight it.
So once again, I am thrown into the storm, where I clutch onto that sliver of hope...until the pain is all too much to bear.
I know it isn't a wise decision. I know that it's stupid to put myself out there to be hurt again. I know it's dumb to bend over backwards for someone who doesn't seem to care for me anymore. I know it's not healthy to cry myself to sleep, to skip meals, to ignore my own health so I can care for his. I know I'm not very good at listening to the advice everyone is giving me. I know that this can become a never-ending cycle, and I might never break free if I don't stop waiting.
But my world is crashing down on me, and waiting is the only thing I know how to do.
I probably shouldn't be listening to my heart, but deep inside, I truly believe that I do know him.
I'm really not ready to give up just yet. Even if I have to fight the whole world.
I still hope that my patience will be worth it one day.
We were both very lonely when we first talked. He was trying to deal with a heartbreak, I was just trying to get over picking a school like this one.
And we instantly clicked. Two affection starving teenagers finally found someone who cares, someone to care for. It wasn't all sugar and spice the whole time, but we were best friends, and everything could be worked out one way or another. Kisses would stop tears, hugs would stop fights.
It was the happiest time of my life, and you can't blame me for believing that it would last for a very, very long time. This was my first love, and I put a lot of love and effort into protecting the relationship.
I was young when we were first together, and very selfish at times. I wanted to claim this boy entirely, and he didn't seem to mind it. But little by little, he started realizing the need for space, and at first, I took it very offensively. I always thought I was doing something wrong, and I was always scrutinizing the little details.
G is a female on the sports team we're on, and in this small school with only a handful of girls, she's notorious for being the ice queen from hell. But G and D always had a strong friendship, something I didn't understand in the beginning. In fact, it's something I didn't understand until very recently. I made an attempt to be part of that friendship, but I was never allowed in, and that greatly hurt me.
It gave D the impression that I disliked all the females around him, and eventually, new spread that I'm a crazy, jealous girlfriend. And I can be a jealous person. But I eventually learned to not let my feelings get the best of me.
And then through a great deal of confusion, and fights that were put off, but never resolved, D talked to me less and less. There is so much confusion between us, and he would never believe me when I try to explain.
Complaining to him about not being played in our sport was taken as a request for him to act. My dislike of our coach was thought to be my hatred for the sport itself.
The truth is, I was so proud to have a boyfriend who was the captain of this sports team. I was sad that I didn't do well, but I always stayed close to the computer to check scores, and I always wanted to hear stories about his events. But his answer was always "Nothing happened."
And at first, I thought he just didn't talk a lot.
Until I started noticing that he does talk, just around his teammates.
And I really tried to stay on the team so I could be part of his life, except I could never fit in, and eventually, I gave up.
But I had a close friend on the team. K was the typical chatterbox, very fun to spend time with, but the boys would make fun of her for her boyish appearance, and her choice of men. And the number of them.
And at first, D was one of them. There would be inside jokes about her, and I was always the one who giggles, but scolds.
As I left the team, D and K got the chance to know each other. And no, this is not going the way you think it is. D and K spent more and more time together, and it seemed like K had the magical powers of speech. A quick look at the computer screen would tell me that they were having long conversations online, and D wasn't giving one word answers like he would give me.
One day, I sat down at D's computer, and wanting to speak to K, I scrolled up and read back on the conversation they were having. And I could feel my heart clench as I read how D was telling K that I get upset at every little thing, and how jealous I am of other girls.
As soon as the anger subsided, alarms started going off in my head. I always thought that D didn't agree with the rumors, I mean, he would tell me if he thought I was being overprotective, right? But no, his answer was always no when I asked if he had any problems with us. And now, he's telling someone else about how crazy I was.
I took it as a lesson learned. I learned to keep my opinions to myself. I learned not to get upset. I learned not to be jealous. I just wanted to be here for him, and for him to share his life with me.
I knew that leaving the school for 7 months would take a toll on our relationship. But he was so assuring, and our bi-monthly visits were always so sweet and intimate.
I was sad about not being able to share his life with him, but I knew K would make a great friend to D.
And when I returned this semester, I expected to have the greatest semester with D. This is it. only a few months before he graduates. After that, we can't have sex whenever we wanted. No more sleepovers. No more dinners every night.
All I ever wanted was to have a happy first semester back. I missed him so much during my time away, and I couldn't believe that we're finally going to be close to each other again. And I was well prepared for the time I will be spending alone once the sport season starts. But before it even begins, he broke up with me.
Before I could even digest what went on, K began consoling me. And it was that moment I realized that I wasn't D's best friend anymore. In fact, I haven't been for a very long time.
I can't tell if he's lying to me, or if he's really that blind. But when I asked him about it, it's as if he doesn't notice it at all. It's like he doesn't remember telling me that it's awkward to talk to me. It's like he doesn't notice that their conversations were so much longer than ours. It's like he didn't see me sitting alone that night at dinner, while they retold inside jokes and stories in perfect sync. It's like he doesn't know how much it rips my heart apart when I hear stories from her that I've never heard from him.
I have been phased-out like last season's fashion trends.
Entirely replaced.
So the lesson learned?
No matter how hard you try and try to become a better girlfriend, sometimes it just goes unnoticed.
Or maybe I will never be good enough for him.
I will never get a chance to spend hours with him every day, and weekends together. I understand the nature of the sport would bring them close together.
But I expected him to make sure that I wouldn't be left out in his life. I guess I was wrong.
No wonder he didn't seem to reciprocate my loneliness after the break-up. He was so well prepared. He has a new sport to play, a new best friend to vent to, a new car to drive home with.
And I'm still laying here crying. Not know what I did wrong. Just knowing that I can never compare.
I will never know enough about his daily life to hold conversations with him. This relationship would be killed by our silence eventually.
All I wish is time to turn back so I can feel the love again. Just to feel the perfection of falling in love.
Very well done, D. I'm glad you're still happy without me. No words can describe how much it kills me not to be the one you share with anymore. But you've made your choice, and I truly wish you happiness.
Time for me to wipe my tears and get off the ground.
...or maybe I'll just mope around a little more first.
Classes were canceled today because we had a mini snow storm last night. So I napped all morning, and spent the rest of the day in bed, with the exception of a frail attempt at a snowball fight, and a pretty entertaining dinner.
As I lay in bed alone, my thoughts drifted back to two years ago, when we had our first snow day. We spent the day together, hidden from the rest of the world, and it was the most perfect, romantic, beautiful snow day of my life.
Today, I am broken, lonely, and empty inside. It almost seems like someone took a spoon, and just carved my insides right out of me. The pain is so real and vague at the same time. Some days I feel like I want to lay in bed all day and do nothing. Other days I go about my normal life, enveloped in a bubble of numbness.
I cannot explain why I'm waiting. Every single person around me is discouraging me from holding on. "It's a bad idea, honey. You're going to hurt yourself more by waiting for him." "What if he never comes back? What if he really is intent on leaving you this time?" "What if this was all just a lie? What if he isn't who you think you know?" "Just abandon him. He'll come crawling back when he gets lonely." "You should just find someone to make him jealous, that will definitely work!" (definitely NOT a good idea)
And the worst: "Maybe he's just tired of you."
And that is what I hear every other minute of my day.
Oh I struggle with my thoughts as well. It's like I'm playing a mind game with myself. "If I abandon him, who's going to take care of him? What would he do if he's all alone?" "But he doesn't want you anymore, he just wants you to leave him alone..." "What if he wants to be with me, but there's just no one to convince him that this is a bad decision?" "But if he wants to be with you, he would never have left you..." "Can't I convince him that he still loves me? If I stay around long enough, maybe he'll miss me and come back..." "Maybe he's just done with you. Just done. Stop being desperate. Just stop."
And on, and on, and on. It's like the biggest tug-o-war ever, all going on in my mind 24/7.
And sometimes, I try to cut off all contact with him. But at the end of the night, I sit around, worrying if he's working too hard, if he's feeling lonely, if he needs a friend to talk to. I wonder if he was stressed out, if his laundry bag is filling up, if all he had were pretzels and chips again that day. And then I would reach out tentatively, and get sucked into the whirlwind of mind-fuckery once again.
But I just keep telling myself that I am making the right decision. I etch into my brain each night, that he is who I know, that he's just lost, and the past two years were not all lies. I pretend that I can quiet the storm in my head, and pretend to believe that it will be okay. Secretly, I'm afraid that it will all come crashing down on me. That I would relapse into the depression I once knew so well. I am deathly terrified that I will completely lose it one day, but as usual, I will take that chance.
Not in the mood to come up with a HNT this week, I apologize if you came in hopes of finding nakedness. Also going crazy studying for 2 of my hardest classes (exams for both tomorrow), so I am stressed to the MAX.
But here is a thinker for you.
If you promised someone that you would never abandon him/her, but he/she repeatedly pushes you farther and farther away, when is the right time to let go (if ever)? And what if you just don't want to let him/her go, no matter how much the person is hurting you?
I'm baccckkkkkk! So I am very, very sorry for being absent for so long, but I do have an HNT for you this week, I hope you like it!
Life has been pretty normal lately, if normal in your dictionary means hectic and stressful. But I do think I'm getting back on track with school, work, and my emotions.
Now, we mentioned that D had an unbelievably inconsiderate roommate in a previous post. But what we failed to mention is that I am rooming with the equally unbelievably inconsiderate girlfriend of his roommate. So it took a lot of planning to work out an environment for this picture! No complaints if it's not to your liking, k?
And thank you for all your kind compliments! You're spoiling me ;)
I know I promised that I'd be back full time, and continuing with my nakedness, but my life has been really, really hectic, to say the least.
But I know you guys wouldn't be upset because you love me so much (right, right?). So I sincerely beg for one more week, just ONE more. And then I'll bring you some nakedness, k?
xs and os.
P.S. What does it mean when someone asks you to trust him but he doesn't trust you trying to trust him?
So the life-changing event I had mentioned in my last post turned out to be okay. Meaning once again, D and I are attending the same college and living on the same campus. I was originally ecstatic about my return. But since the big move-in day yesterday, I no longer feel the same.
The reason I had left the school was poor grades. But by returning home for six months, I had ran away from the rude people, the stress of that particular school, and the strain of my relationship with D. In the past six months, I had gone through major ups and downs with my family, but once again, I have found warmth and comfort with the people I love and trust most in my lifetime.
I came back to this school because I firmly believe that if I can make it through the next 2 years, I will be able to step into a lifestyle I can only dream about otherwise. I will be able to provide comfort not only to myself, but to my loved ones as well. But this is proving to be every bit as difficult as I remembered it, if not more.
In the past 2 days, I faced 90% of the problems I saw back when I was last enrolled here. What in the world will I do for my next 2 years here? D was the only one I could run to when I faced problems here in the past, but today he isn't here. Not to mention in 4 months, he will never be here again.
I left home with the sense that this will make me a better person. No matter how hard this turns out to be, if I make it through, it will be amazing. But do I really have the strength to pull through this time around?
I have so many thoughts running through my head, so many words to say...but who do I tell? Sitting on this bed, in this particularly empty room, on this particularly cold and lonely night...I'm speechless.
I just want to break down. But who will pick up the pieces?
Sorry about the dose of extra-depression. I hope the happy me will be back soon.
I hope all of you enjoyed your Christmas/New Year breaks. I personally only had 3 days off in total, and have been swamped with work and school. Hence why I have been completely MIA, and haven't been posting or reading all your New Year posts. I hope you haven't missed me too much (but it's ok if you did). To redeem myself, I have an HNT for you guys, and I'm going to number it from the beginning to start afresh with the New Year.
Today is a big, big, big, big, biggggggg day for me at school, and if all goes well, my puny life might be spared from the wrath of...I don't know what. So fingers crossed, or else I would probably have to find a really tall building to jump off of.
Which reminds me...I've been unreasonably (according to D) stressed and depressed lately, some days to the extent of not being able to sleep more than an hour a night because all I do is lie awake thinking about the things that mess with my mind. D keeps telling me that I need to relax, but when there's something, or many things, on your mind that keep bothering you and haunting you, there really is no relaxing, right?
Do you guys have any tips on how not to let the stress get to you? (Other than lots of nakedness, of course)
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