Snow Day

Classes were canceled today because we had a mini snow storm last night.
So I napped all morning, and spent the rest of the day in bed, with the exception of a frail attempt at a snowball fight, and a pretty entertaining dinner.

As I lay in bed alone, my thoughts drifted back to two years ago, when we had our first snow day. We spent the day together, hidden from the rest of the world, and it was the most perfect, romantic, beautiful snow day of my life.

Today, I am broken, lonely, and empty inside. It almost seems like someone took a spoon, and just carved my insides right out of me. The pain is so real and vague at the same time.
Some days I feel like I want to lay in bed all day and do nothing. Other days I go about my normal life, enveloped in a bubble of numbness.

I cannot explain why I'm waiting. Every single person around me is discouraging me from holding on.
"It's a bad idea, honey. You're going to hurt yourself more by waiting for him."
"What if he never comes back? What if he really is intent on leaving you this time?"
"What if this was all just a lie? What if he isn't who you think you know?"
"Just abandon him. He'll come crawling back when he gets lonely."
"You should just find someone to make him jealous, that will definitely work!" (definitely NOT a good idea)

And the worst: "Maybe he's just tired of you."

And that is what I hear every other minute of my day.

Oh I struggle with my thoughts as well. It's like I'm playing a mind game with myself.
"If I abandon him, who's going to take care of him? What would he do if he's all alone?"
"But he doesn't want you anymore, he just wants you to leave him alone..."
"What if he wants to be with me, but there's just no one to convince him that this is a bad decision?"
"But if he wants to be with you, he would never have left you..."
"Can't I convince him that he still loves me? If I stay around long enough, maybe he'll miss me and come back..."
"Maybe he's just done with you. Just done. Stop being desperate. Just stop."

And on, and on, and on. It's like the biggest tug-o-war ever, all going on in my mind 24/7.

And sometimes, I try to cut off all contact with him.
But at the end of the night, I sit around, worrying if he's working too hard, if he's feeling lonely, if he needs a friend to talk to.
I wonder if he was stressed out, if his laundry bag is filling up, if all he had were pretzels and chips again that day.
And then I would reach out tentatively, and get sucked into the whirlwind of mind-fuckery once again.

But I just keep telling myself that I am making the right decision.
I etch into my brain each night, that he is who I know, that he's just lost, and the past two years were not all lies.
I pretend that I can quiet the storm in my head, and pretend to believe that it will be okay.
Secretly, I'm afraid that it will all come crashing down on me. That I would relapse into the depression I once knew so well.
I am deathly terrified that I will completely lose it one day, but as usual, I will take that chance.


Just for the sake of what they call love.

Drive me crazy

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Mischievous Snow White's Man

Hey sexies. So D finally took an interest in blogging, and starting today, he's gonna be taking a part in my sexy blog, so please extend a warm welcome to my man, D the Mischievous Snow MAN!

And yes, we're a-ok again.

xs and os.

Truce

So after 2 days of snappy comments and smart words, D and I have called it a temporary truce. We spent today together in the city, doing a little shopping, a little dining and wining.
It's not that I haven't asked him to change. And yes, I've given ultimatums. I have also left him (more than once) to make him "see" what he's doing. Or not doing. But eventually we end up back where we were.
Others tell me to leave him because if he hasn't changed all this time, he will never change.
But it's different with D. Sometimes we fall into a rut like this, and he doesn't put any effort into the relationship.
But sometimes he can just be the most amazing, sweetest man in the world.
The bottom line is, I just can't give him up. So I shall continue waiting...

On a less seriously matter (or more seriously, depending how you look at it). My brand-spanking-new vibrator broke. Like, it just stopped working. And not because it ran out of batteries! Ugh, I'm shattered.

Trouble in paradise

So tomorrow (actually today since it's after 12) is suppose to be my 2 year anniversary with D. 2 years isn't a long time, but for two people who had never been with someone for this long, it's pretty epic.
But no celebrations, because we've just exploded into a frenzy of snappy comments and "whatever"s.
And I said that maybe we shouldn't make it to 2 years. (This was before 12)
Is that childish of me?

I do honestly feel that he hasn't put in nearly as much effort into the relationship as I have, especially since relatively longer distance relationships do need that extra bit of effort to keep the flame going. But am I asking for too much?
I don't want us to end, I just want him to change...am I being silly here?

I'm a house of cards in a hurricane.