Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Devastated.

So the life-changing event I had mentioned in my last post turned out to be okay. Meaning once again, D and I are attending the same college and living on the same campus. I was originally ecstatic about my return. But since the big move-in day yesterday, I no longer feel the same.

The reason I had left the school was poor grades. But by returning home for six months, I had ran away from the rude people, the stress of that particular school, and the strain of my relationship with D.
In the past six months, I had gone through major ups and downs with my family, but once again, I have found warmth and comfort with the people I love and trust most in my lifetime.

I came back to this school because I firmly believe that if I can make it through the next 2 years, I will be able to step into a lifestyle I can only dream about otherwise. I will be able to provide comfort not only to myself, but to my loved ones as well. But this is proving to be every bit as difficult as I remembered it, if not more.

In the past 2 days, I faced 90% of the problems I saw back when I was last enrolled here. What in the world will I do for my next 2 years here?
D was the only one I could run to when I faced problems here in the past, but today he isn't here. Not to mention in 4 months, he will never be here again.

I left home with the sense that this will make me a better person. No matter how hard this turns out to be, if I make it through, it will be amazing. But do I really have the strength to pull through this time around?

I have so many thoughts running through my head, so many words to say...but who do I tell?
Sitting on this bed, in this particularly empty room, on this particularly cold and lonely night...I'm speechless.

I just want to break down. But who will pick up the pieces?

Sorry about the dose of extra-depression. I hope the happy me will be back soon.

4 comments:

George said...

Write it down and talk to yourself, sort of like giving yourself a constant pep talk. Those 2 things got me through a major depression a few years ago (of course the drugs helped just a wee bit).

We can all accomplish what we set out to do, patience, a strong will, staying positive ... and keep in mind the thought that you'll show them!!

Good luck

Fusion said...

Listen to my friend George MSW, he knows. And maybe write out some of it here to let us read and offer advice. That's what makes blogging such good therapy. Take it one day at a time, and be easy with yourself too. Two years will go by quick if you stay busy, learn and study hard. Fuck, I sound like a parent here, sorry =/

Wishing you the best!

Alfie said...

As a depressive, I have a vague idea how you feel. Everyone's lows are different, so no one solution fits all. But tell me, does being so beautiful help?

edens_dragon said...

Try to focus on all the good that has come out of the last six months. I know its hard sometimes, but things tend to work out for the best in the end.