Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Running after him makes me feel like the biggest idiot in the world. Like I am some desperate bitch who doesn't know how to let go.

But I really don't know how to give up.
I want to...

But I really don't want to.

Monday, April 13, 2009


It's all over.

I'll fill you in when I recover.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Judgement Day

Finally got the guts to send the email off.
Feels like I finally got the weight off my shoulders. I think I wrote everything I ever needed to say to D in it, so the situation's out of my hands now.

Do you think he'll read it?

I asked him to meet me tomorrow.
Turning the computer off for tonight, I guess we'll find out when I get there tomorrow.

Saturday, April 11, 2009


For the first time in such a long time that I can't even recall...I think I'm a little happy.

I wrote D an email telling him how I really feel, about the past, the present, and the future. I'm still too afraid to send it because of a fear of rejection, but just sitting down and spilling all my feelings puts a smile on my face.
I feel lighter...almost relieved.
I don't know if I'll get a positive response when I actually get up the nerve to send the email off. And as insanely scared of him saying no as I can be, I can't help but think that this time will be different. Because I'm different.

I've been able to share more of my fears the past few days, and I think I'm starting to accept the thought that things might really be okay eventually.
Instead of feeling miserable about the days that are passing, I'm a tad bit looking forward to the next day now.
I don't feel like I have to fake a smile anymore, because some things really do put a smile on my face.
I've gotten to spend some quality time with my family, getting lots of work off my shoulders. And tomorrow is my girls'-day-in. Kind of like girls'-night-out, just much more mellow.

I hope I'm not being too optimistic about everything, and I'm not underestimating the difficulty of my challenges. But it can't hurt to hope...right?
Or does this sound too good to be true?

I picked a new, lighter layout to reflect my mood. You like?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Second Chance

Sorry for being completely missing for the past month or so. Everyday was a stressful whirlwind, and it only gets better when my head hits that pillow and the whole world turns dark.
D and I made attempts to be friends, but my anger and hurt had chased him away. I'm still not over the fact that the person I love the most has just suddenly abandoned me. All the visions, the talks, the happiness...it was like I woke up from a dream, and everything that happened in the past 2 years had disappeared.
I don't know what's going to happen now. I still love him more than I probably should, and I would do anything for him to be part of my life. But the ball is in his court, and if D really wants to throw away all we had established in the past years...I'm done fighting him.

During my previous posts, I've left subtle hints about my past depression. A few of you caring readers had picked up on it, and I thank you with all my heart for your encouraging words.
For the past 2 months, I have dipped back into the black abyss of insanity. I had suicidal thoughts, I was constantly miserable and depressed, but I have learned to hide it so well that no one noticed.
I let it all out when I speak to D, but I guess he just assumes that it was my anger over the break up, and I just wanted to be a crazy bitch to make him miserable.

A few weeks ago, a very good friend(M) reached out to me. And he said, "I know."
I had left an away message in my Instant Messenger for the help hotline, but the numbers were backwards. I have debating to call them for weeks, but I was too scared to. What if I wasn't depressed? What if my calls are going to just waste their time?
M was the first one to notice that number, and he told me that he will make the call if I need. But I asked him to hold off, because I was so sure that I will be okay.

Last night was my breaking point. After feeling particularly empty about everything, I walked to the edge of the water under the bridge. And one thought went through my mind, "What if they never found my body?"

I returned to my room to go to bed shortly, after trying to speak to D to rant about all the stupid things that were going wrong in my life, and obviously arguing more about everything.
I laid down, and started drifting into sleep shortly. For some reason, I saw D in my dream, and I woke with a start.
What am I doing to myself?
I am stressing about the wrong things, and holding on too tightly for the wrong reasons. I'm not myself anymore. I am nothing like the person I was at the start of this blog, and the transformation scares me.
I hate who I turned into.
And I knew I needed help.
So I made a phone call.

Today is a brand new day, and I hope that in a short time, I will be okay again.
I hope that the people I love will return to my life, and work with me for new happiness.
I hope that I will learn to enjoy life again, and I hope I can concentrate better on my classes than I have.
I hope I will get a second chance at this again.
I hope life will be good again.

P.S. I see snow outside my window, and I really miss you.