Sorry for being completely missing for the past month or so. Everyday was a stressful whirlwind, and it only gets better when my head hits that pillow and the whole world turns dark.
D and I made attempts to be friends, but my anger and hurt had chased him away. I'm still not over the fact that the person I love the most has just suddenly abandoned me. All the visions, the talks, the happiness...it was like I woke up from a dream, and everything that happened in the past 2 years had disappeared.
I don't know what's going to happen now. I still love him more than I probably should, and I would do anything for him to be part of my life. But the ball is in his court, and if D really wants to throw away all we had established in the past years...I'm done fighting him.
During my previous posts, I've left subtle hints about my past depression. A few of you caring readers had picked up on it, and I thank you with all my heart for your encouraging words.
For the past 2 months, I have dipped back into the black abyss of insanity. I had suicidal thoughts, I was constantly miserable and depressed, but I have learned to hide it so well that no one noticed.
I let it all out when I speak to D, but I guess he just assumes that it was my anger over the break up, and I just wanted to be a crazy bitch to make him miserable.
A few weeks ago, a very good friend(M) reached out to me. And he said, "I know."
I had left an away message in my Instant Messenger for the help hotline, but the numbers were backwards. I have debating to call them for weeks, but I was too scared to. What if I wasn't depressed? What if my calls are going to just waste their time?
M was the first one to notice that number, and he told me that he will make the call if I need. But I asked him to hold off, because I was so sure that I will be okay.
Last night was my breaking point. After feeling particularly empty about everything, I walked to the edge of the water under the bridge. And one thought went through my mind, "What if they never found my body?"
I returned to my room to go to bed shortly, after trying to speak to D to rant about all the stupid things that were going wrong in my life, and obviously arguing more about everything.
I laid down, and started drifting into sleep shortly. For some reason, I saw D in my dream, and I woke with a start.
What am I doing to myself?
I am stressing about the wrong things, and holding on too tightly for the wrong reasons. I'm not myself anymore. I am nothing like the person I was at the start of this blog, and the transformation scares me.
I hate who I turned into.
And I knew I needed help.
So I made a phone call.
Today is a brand new day, and I hope that in a short time, I will be okay again.
I hope that the people I love will return to my life, and work with me for new happiness.
I hope that I will learn to enjoy life again, and I hope I can concentrate better on my classes than I have.
I hope I will get a second chance at this again.
I hope life will be good again.
P.S. I see snow outside my window, and I really miss you.
Do as I say, not as I do.
9 months ago