Friday, March 13, 2009

Thinking Of You

It is so painful to sit in class and space out.

To watch the images flying through my head, and my body floods with feelings and emotions.

The sweet memories make me smile, but it rips my heart apart when I think about how they might never happen again.
My heart hurts when I think about the fun they have, the secrets they tell, their new memories replacing ours.
My heart flutters when I recall stopping an admirer's advances the night before. How he was holding me too tight, the feeling of someone else wanting me was too foreign, the way he puts his hand on my cheek was too strange.
My heart sinks when I think back about the conclusion I reached at that moment, when I realized all I want is to be in D's arms again. To enjoy our laughter together, to make more memories for me to treasure.
My body goes weak, and my head spins when I make the tiniest attempt to accept the fact that my love has been long lost.
And really, I have been replaced.

Some days are easier than others.
I try to fill my day with busy work, trying to cut him off entirely.
But those nights are extra hard to pass, because when I finally lay down to rest, the misery catches up with me, and the pain fills my heart again. Attacking me with emotions, as if to make up for blocking them out all day.
It is so hard to forget someone when your entire mind, body ,and soul just ache to be in his company.

The next day would be the days where my will is weak.
I would invite myself back into his life, spending some alone time in bed with him, until it's time for him to move on with his day.
Those days are harder to deal with, because my mind fills with let myself back into that stick, messy "relationship" that isn't even a relationship.
But strangely, those nights are easier to pass. Because even though I was once again all alone in the cold, dark night, I can still relish his tight embrace, the kisses, the warmth.
And as horrible as it may be, I once again let myself have that glimmer of hope...
Hoping that maybe he still has love for me, maybe he will return.

Those nights...I like to sit at the desk and open up those letters I have tucked away when the pain becomes unbearable.
Those hidden letters and notes, the notes where I still feel the love seeping from his words.
Where he asked me to have patience for him, to wait for him to come back around when he's lost.
And I ask myself, can someone really change that quickly? Does he really not feel that way anymore?
What if he just needs me to wait?

And my soft, battered heart just cannot fight it.

So once again, I am thrown into the storm, where I clutch onto that sliver of hope...until the pain is all too much to bear.

I know it isn't a wise decision.
I know that it's stupid to put myself out there to be hurt again.
I know it's dumb to bend over backwards for someone who doesn't seem to care for me anymore.
I know it's not healthy to cry myself to sleep, to skip meals, to ignore my own health so I can care for his.
I know I'm not very good at listening to the advice everyone is giving me.
I know that this can become a never-ending cycle, and I might never break free if I don't stop waiting.

But my world is crashing down on me, and waiting is the only thing I know how to do.

I probably shouldn't be listening to my heart, but deep inside, I truly believe that I do know him.

I'm really not ready to give up just yet. Even if I have to fight the whole world.

I still hope that my patience will be worth it one day.

Will you wait with me?


Kevin Lomax said...

I wanted to leave you a nice comment, but I can't find the right words, so after 60 seconds of thinking I started to type this. Well, unfortunatley there is no glue to repair a broken heart: only time can heal... I wish you all the best.

Riff Dog said...

Yes, I will wait with you. I wish I could hug you in person and make you feel better, But this will take time. Give yourself permission to take some time.