Thursday, March 12, 2009


We were both very lonely when we first talked.
He was trying to deal with a heartbreak, I was just trying to get over picking a school like this one.

And we instantly clicked. Two affection starving teenagers finally found someone who cares, someone to care for.
It wasn't all sugar and spice the whole time, but we were best friends, and everything could be worked out one way or another. Kisses would stop tears, hugs would stop fights.

It was the happiest time of my life, and you can't blame me for believing that it would last for a very, very long time.
This was my first love, and I put a lot of love and effort into protecting the relationship.

I was young when we were first together, and very selfish at times. I wanted to claim this boy entirely, and he didn't seem to mind it.
But little by little, he started realizing the need for space, and at first, I took it very offensively. I always thought I was doing something wrong, and I was always scrutinizing the little details.

G is a female on the sports team we're on, and in this small school with only a handful of girls, she's notorious for being the ice queen from hell. But G and D always had a strong friendship, something I didn't understand in the beginning.
In fact, it's something I didn't understand until very recently. I made an attempt to be part of that friendship, but I was never allowed in, and that greatly hurt me.

It gave D the impression that I disliked all the females around him, and eventually, new spread that I'm a crazy, jealous girlfriend.
And I can be a jealous person. But I eventually learned to not let my feelings get the best of me.

And then through a great deal of confusion, and fights that were put off, but never resolved, D talked to me less and less.
There is so much confusion between us, and he would never believe me when I try to explain.

Complaining to him about not being played in our sport was taken as a request for him to act.
My dislike of our coach was thought to be my hatred for the sport itself.

The truth is, I was so proud to have a boyfriend who was the captain of this sports team. I was sad that I didn't do well, but I always stayed close to the computer to check scores, and I always wanted to hear stories about his events.
But his answer was always "Nothing happened."

And at first, I thought he just didn't talk a lot.

Until I started noticing that he does talk, just around his teammates.

And I really tried to stay on the team so I could be part of his life, except I could never fit in, and eventually, I gave up.

But I had a close friend on the team. K was the typical chatterbox, very fun to spend time with, but the boys would make fun of her for her boyish appearance, and her choice of men. And the number of them.

And at first, D was one of them. There would be inside jokes about her, and I was always the one who giggles, but scolds.

As I left the team, D and K got the chance to know each other. And no, this is not going the way you think it is.
D and K spent more and more time together, and it seemed like K had the magical powers of speech.
A quick look at the computer screen would tell me that they were having long conversations online, and D wasn't giving one word answers like he would give me.

One day, I sat down at D's computer, and wanting to speak to K, I scrolled up and read back on the conversation they were having.
And I could feel my heart clench as I read how D was telling K that I get upset at every little thing, and how jealous I am of other girls.

As soon as the anger subsided, alarms started going off in my head. I always thought that D didn't agree with the rumors, I mean, he would tell me if he thought I was being overprotective, right? But no, his answer was always no when I asked if he had any problems with us.
And now, he's telling someone else about how crazy I was.

I took it as a lesson learned. I learned to keep my opinions to myself. I learned not to get upset. I learned not to be jealous. I just wanted to be here for him, and for him to share his life with me.

I knew that leaving the school for 7 months would take a toll on our relationship. But he was so assuring, and our bi-monthly visits were always so sweet and intimate.

I was sad about not being able to share his life with him, but I knew K would make a great friend to D.

And when I returned this semester, I expected to have the greatest semester with D. This is it. only a few months before he graduates. After that, we can't have sex whenever we wanted. No more sleepovers. No more dinners every night.

All I ever wanted was to have a happy first semester back. I missed him so much during my time away, and I couldn't believe that we're finally going to be close to each other again.
And I was well prepared for the time I will be spending alone once the sport season starts.
But before it even begins, he broke up with me.

Before I could even digest what went on, K began consoling me.
And it was that moment I realized that I wasn't D's best friend anymore. In fact, I haven't been for a very long time.

I can't tell if he's lying to me, or if he's really that blind. But when I asked him about it, it's as if he doesn't notice it at all.
It's like he doesn't remember telling me that it's awkward to talk to me.
It's like he doesn't notice that their conversations were so much longer than ours.
It's like he didn't see me sitting alone that night at dinner, while they retold inside jokes and stories in perfect sync.
It's like he doesn't know how much it rips my heart apart when I hear stories from her that I've never heard from him.

I have been phased-out like last season's fashion trends.

Entirely replaced.

So the lesson learned?

No matter how hard you try and try to become a better girlfriend, sometimes it just goes unnoticed.

Or maybe I will never be good enough for him.

I will never get a chance to spend hours with him every day, and weekends together.
I understand the nature of the sport would bring them close together.

But I expected him to make sure that I wouldn't be left out in his life. I guess I was wrong.

No wonder he didn't seem to reciprocate my loneliness after the break-up. He was so well prepared. He has a new sport to play, a new best friend to vent to, a new car to drive home with.

And I'm still laying here crying. Not know what I did wrong.
Just knowing that I can never compare.

I will never know enough about his daily life to hold conversations with him.
This relationship would be killed by our silence eventually.

All I wish is time to turn back so I can feel the love again.
Just to feel the perfection of falling in love.

Very well done, D. I'm glad you're still happy without me.
No words can describe how much it kills me not to be the one you share with anymore.
But you've made your choice, and I truly wish you happiness.

Time for me to wipe my tears and get off the ground.

...or maybe I'll just mope around a little more first.


Riff Dog said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Give yourself permission to mope around a little. Before we can deal with emotions, we have to accept them.

Pretty song, by the way. I hadn't heard it before.

Fusion said...

Give yourself time to grieve and recover. You'll come out stronger down the road. And in time someone new in your life. But for now go ahead and mope a bit...

Alfie said...

Never, ever believe that you are not good enough for someone. The fault can just as easily be theirs.
We wish you all the love in the world.