Monday, March 2, 2009

Snow Day

Classes were canceled today because we had a mini snow storm last night.
So I napped all morning, and spent the rest of the day in bed, with the exception of a frail attempt at a snowball fight, and a pretty entertaining dinner.

As I lay in bed alone, my thoughts drifted back to two years ago, when we had our first snow day. We spent the day together, hidden from the rest of the world, and it was the most perfect, romantic, beautiful snow day of my life.

Today, I am broken, lonely, and empty inside. It almost seems like someone took a spoon, and just carved my insides right out of me. The pain is so real and vague at the same time.
Some days I feel like I want to lay in bed all day and do nothing. Other days I go about my normal life, enveloped in a bubble of numbness.

I cannot explain why I'm waiting. Every single person around me is discouraging me from holding on.
"It's a bad idea, honey. You're going to hurt yourself more by waiting for him."
"What if he never comes back? What if he really is intent on leaving you this time?"
"What if this was all just a lie? What if he isn't who you think you know?"
"Just abandon him. He'll come crawling back when he gets lonely."
"You should just find someone to make him jealous, that will definitely work!" (definitely NOT a good idea)

And the worst: "Maybe he's just tired of you."

And that is what I hear every other minute of my day.

Oh I struggle with my thoughts as well. It's like I'm playing a mind game with myself.
"If I abandon him, who's going to take care of him? What would he do if he's all alone?"
"But he doesn't want you anymore, he just wants you to leave him alone..."
"What if he wants to be with me, but there's just no one to convince him that this is a bad decision?"
"But if he wants to be with you, he would never have left you..."
"Can't I convince him that he still loves me? If I stay around long enough, maybe he'll miss me and come back..."
"Maybe he's just done with you. Just done. Stop being desperate. Just stop."

And on, and on, and on. It's like the biggest tug-o-war ever, all going on in my mind 24/7.

And sometimes, I try to cut off all contact with him.
But at the end of the night, I sit around, worrying if he's working too hard, if he's feeling lonely, if he needs a friend to talk to.
I wonder if he was stressed out, if his laundry bag is filling up, if all he had were pretzels and chips again that day.
And then I would reach out tentatively, and get sucked into the whirlwind of mind-fuckery once again.

But I just keep telling myself that I am making the right decision.
I etch into my brain each night, that he is who I know, that he's just lost, and the past two years were not all lies.
I pretend that I can quiet the storm in my head, and pretend to believe that it will be okay.
Secretly, I'm afraid that it will all come crashing down on me. That I would relapse into the depression I once knew so well.
I am deathly terrified that I will completely lose it one day, but as usual, I will take that chance.

Just for the sake of what they call love.


Fusion said...

Aww MSW, I don't know what to say, two years... that's a long time...
and I guess only time will heal you, or give you the answer you're looking for.

Your thoughts though, I so relate to that first one, long ago when I was thinking of leaving my wife (before she died), thinking how would she get along without me? and such stuff...
I was told by my counselor she would have done fine most likely, and that it would have just been time to seperate and go our own ways. Painful? Yes, but sometimes that's all there is.

Hang in there girl, hugs to you too.

Mike said...

What ever you decide, you must do so from your head and not from your heart or youy may well end up hurting even more.


Anonymous said...

snow is fun...especially in the south (for me!)

Being sad is not fun. I hope you feel better!

Alfie said...

He must be insane.

Anonymous said...

I have felt every emotion that you are feeling...I hated every moment also...just like you. Only my opinion, but you need to step away. Take a breath and be you...without him. I know it sounds cliche, but enjoy your own company. I'm not talking about doing that forever, just until you feel emotionally independent again.

Patience and grace. That's what you need to give yourself right now. (And a good stiff drink, if the other doesn't work!)
Much love,

Anonymous said...

Ohhh I do agree with what SoVix is sayin here. Find you and breathe. Sorry you are hurting.