Friday, March 13, 2009

Thinking Of You

It is so painful to sit in class and space out.

To watch the images flying through my head, and my body floods with feelings and emotions.

The sweet memories make me smile, but it rips my heart apart when I think about how they might never happen again.
My heart hurts when I think about the fun they have, the secrets they tell, their new memories replacing ours.
My heart flutters when I recall stopping an admirer's advances the night before. How he was holding me too tight, the feeling of someone else wanting me was too foreign, the way he puts his hand on my cheek was too strange.
My heart sinks when I think back about the conclusion I reached at that moment, when I realized all I want is to be in D's arms again. To enjoy our laughter together, to make more memories for me to treasure.
My body goes weak, and my head spins when I make the tiniest attempt to accept the fact that my love has been long lost.
And really, I have been replaced.

Some days are easier than others.
I try to fill my day with busy work, trying to cut him off entirely.
But those nights are extra hard to pass, because when I finally lay down to rest, the misery catches up with me, and the pain fills my heart again. Attacking me with emotions, as if to make up for blocking them out all day.
It is so hard to forget someone when your entire mind, body ,and soul just ache to be in his company.

The next day would be the days where my will is weak.
I would invite myself back into his life, spending some alone time in bed with him, until it's time for him to move on with his day.
Those days are harder to deal with, because my mind fills with let myself back into that stick, messy "relationship" that isn't even a relationship.
But strangely, those nights are easier to pass. Because even though I was once again all alone in the cold, dark night, I can still relish his tight embrace, the kisses, the warmth.
And as horrible as it may be, I once again let myself have that glimmer of hope...
Hoping that maybe he still has love for me, maybe he will return.

Those nights...I like to sit at the desk and open up those letters I have tucked away when the pain becomes unbearable.
Those hidden letters and notes, the notes where I still feel the love seeping from his words.
Where he asked me to have patience for him, to wait for him to come back around when he's lost.
And I ask myself, can someone really change that quickly? Does he really not feel that way anymore?
What if he just needs me to wait?

And my soft, battered heart just cannot fight it.

So once again, I am thrown into the storm, where I clutch onto that sliver of hope...until the pain is all too much to bear.

I know it isn't a wise decision.
I know that it's stupid to put myself out there to be hurt again.
I know it's dumb to bend over backwards for someone who doesn't seem to care for me anymore.
I know it's not healthy to cry myself to sleep, to skip meals, to ignore my own health so I can care for his.
I know I'm not very good at listening to the advice everyone is giving me.
I know that this can become a never-ending cycle, and I might never break free if I don't stop waiting.

But my world is crashing down on me, and waiting is the only thing I know how to do.

I probably shouldn't be listening to my heart, but deep inside, I truly believe that I do know him.

I'm really not ready to give up just yet. Even if I have to fight the whole world.

I still hope that my patience will be worth it one day.

Will you wait with me?

Thursday, March 12, 2009


We were both very lonely when we first talked.
He was trying to deal with a heartbreak, I was just trying to get over picking a school like this one.

And we instantly clicked. Two affection starving teenagers finally found someone who cares, someone to care for.
It wasn't all sugar and spice the whole time, but we were best friends, and everything could be worked out one way or another. Kisses would stop tears, hugs would stop fights.

It was the happiest time of my life, and you can't blame me for believing that it would last for a very, very long time.
This was my first love, and I put a lot of love and effort into protecting the relationship.

I was young when we were first together, and very selfish at times. I wanted to claim this boy entirely, and he didn't seem to mind it.
But little by little, he started realizing the need for space, and at first, I took it very offensively. I always thought I was doing something wrong, and I was always scrutinizing the little details.

G is a female on the sports team we're on, and in this small school with only a handful of girls, she's notorious for being the ice queen from hell. But G and D always had a strong friendship, something I didn't understand in the beginning.
In fact, it's something I didn't understand until very recently. I made an attempt to be part of that friendship, but I was never allowed in, and that greatly hurt me.

It gave D the impression that I disliked all the females around him, and eventually, new spread that I'm a crazy, jealous girlfriend.
And I can be a jealous person. But I eventually learned to not let my feelings get the best of me.

And then through a great deal of confusion, and fights that were put off, but never resolved, D talked to me less and less.
There is so much confusion between us, and he would never believe me when I try to explain.

Complaining to him about not being played in our sport was taken as a request for him to act.
My dislike of our coach was thought to be my hatred for the sport itself.

The truth is, I was so proud to have a boyfriend who was the captain of this sports team. I was sad that I didn't do well, but I always stayed close to the computer to check scores, and I always wanted to hear stories about his events.
But his answer was always "Nothing happened."

And at first, I thought he just didn't talk a lot.

Until I started noticing that he does talk, just around his teammates.

And I really tried to stay on the team so I could be part of his life, except I could never fit in, and eventually, I gave up.

But I had a close friend on the team. K was the typical chatterbox, very fun to spend time with, but the boys would make fun of her for her boyish appearance, and her choice of men. And the number of them.

And at first, D was one of them. There would be inside jokes about her, and I was always the one who giggles, but scolds.

As I left the team, D and K got the chance to know each other. And no, this is not going the way you think it is.
D and K spent more and more time together, and it seemed like K had the magical powers of speech.
A quick look at the computer screen would tell me that they were having long conversations online, and D wasn't giving one word answers like he would give me.

One day, I sat down at D's computer, and wanting to speak to K, I scrolled up and read back on the conversation they were having.
And I could feel my heart clench as I read how D was telling K that I get upset at every little thing, and how jealous I am of other girls.

As soon as the anger subsided, alarms started going off in my head. I always thought that D didn't agree with the rumors, I mean, he would tell me if he thought I was being overprotective, right? But no, his answer was always no when I asked if he had any problems with us.
And now, he's telling someone else about how crazy I was.

I took it as a lesson learned. I learned to keep my opinions to myself. I learned not to get upset. I learned not to be jealous. I just wanted to be here for him, and for him to share his life with me.

I knew that leaving the school for 7 months would take a toll on our relationship. But he was so assuring, and our bi-monthly visits were always so sweet and intimate.

I was sad about not being able to share his life with him, but I knew K would make a great friend to D.

And when I returned this semester, I expected to have the greatest semester with D. This is it. only a few months before he graduates. After that, we can't have sex whenever we wanted. No more sleepovers. No more dinners every night.

All I ever wanted was to have a happy first semester back. I missed him so much during my time away, and I couldn't believe that we're finally going to be close to each other again.
And I was well prepared for the time I will be spending alone once the sport season starts.
But before it even begins, he broke up with me.

Before I could even digest what went on, K began consoling me.
And it was that moment I realized that I wasn't D's best friend anymore. In fact, I haven't been for a very long time.

I can't tell if he's lying to me, or if he's really that blind. But when I asked him about it, it's as if he doesn't notice it at all.
It's like he doesn't remember telling me that it's awkward to talk to me.
It's like he doesn't notice that their conversations were so much longer than ours.
It's like he didn't see me sitting alone that night at dinner, while they retold inside jokes and stories in perfect sync.
It's like he doesn't know how much it rips my heart apart when I hear stories from her that I've never heard from him.

I have been phased-out like last season's fashion trends.

Entirely replaced.

So the lesson learned?

No matter how hard you try and try to become a better girlfriend, sometimes it just goes unnoticed.

Or maybe I will never be good enough for him.

I will never get a chance to spend hours with him every day, and weekends together.
I understand the nature of the sport would bring them close together.

But I expected him to make sure that I wouldn't be left out in his life. I guess I was wrong.

No wonder he didn't seem to reciprocate my loneliness after the break-up. He was so well prepared. He has a new sport to play, a new best friend to vent to, a new car to drive home with.

And I'm still laying here crying. Not know what I did wrong.
Just knowing that I can never compare.

I will never know enough about his daily life to hold conversations with him.
This relationship would be killed by our silence eventually.

All I wish is time to turn back so I can feel the love again.
Just to feel the perfection of falling in love.

Very well done, D. I'm glad you're still happy without me.
No words can describe how much it kills me not to be the one you share with anymore.
But you've made your choice, and I truly wish you happiness.

Time for me to wipe my tears and get off the ground.

...or maybe I'll just mope around a little more first.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Monday, March 2, 2009

Snow Day

Classes were canceled today because we had a mini snow storm last night.
So I napped all morning, and spent the rest of the day in bed, with the exception of a frail attempt at a snowball fight, and a pretty entertaining dinner.

As I lay in bed alone, my thoughts drifted back to two years ago, when we had our first snow day. We spent the day together, hidden from the rest of the world, and it was the most perfect, romantic, beautiful snow day of my life.

Today, I am broken, lonely, and empty inside. It almost seems like someone took a spoon, and just carved my insides right out of me. The pain is so real and vague at the same time.
Some days I feel like I want to lay in bed all day and do nothing. Other days I go about my normal life, enveloped in a bubble of numbness.

I cannot explain why I'm waiting. Every single person around me is discouraging me from holding on.
"It's a bad idea, honey. You're going to hurt yourself more by waiting for him."
"What if he never comes back? What if he really is intent on leaving you this time?"
"What if this was all just a lie? What if he isn't who you think you know?"
"Just abandon him. He'll come crawling back when he gets lonely."
"You should just find someone to make him jealous, that will definitely work!" (definitely NOT a good idea)

And the worst: "Maybe he's just tired of you."

And that is what I hear every other minute of my day.

Oh I struggle with my thoughts as well. It's like I'm playing a mind game with myself.
"If I abandon him, who's going to take care of him? What would he do if he's all alone?"
"But he doesn't want you anymore, he just wants you to leave him alone..."
"What if he wants to be with me, but there's just no one to convince him that this is a bad decision?"
"But if he wants to be with you, he would never have left you..."
"Can't I convince him that he still loves me? If I stay around long enough, maybe he'll miss me and come back..."
"Maybe he's just done with you. Just done. Stop being desperate. Just stop."

And on, and on, and on. It's like the biggest tug-o-war ever, all going on in my mind 24/7.

And sometimes, I try to cut off all contact with him.
But at the end of the night, I sit around, worrying if he's working too hard, if he's feeling lonely, if he needs a friend to talk to.
I wonder if he was stressed out, if his laundry bag is filling up, if all he had were pretzels and chips again that day.
And then I would reach out tentatively, and get sucked into the whirlwind of mind-fuckery once again.

But I just keep telling myself that I am making the right decision.
I etch into my brain each night, that he is who I know, that he's just lost, and the past two years were not all lies.
I pretend that I can quiet the storm in my head, and pretend to believe that it will be okay.
Secretly, I'm afraid that it will all come crashing down on me. That I would relapse into the depression I once knew so well.
I am deathly terrified that I will completely lose it one day, but as usual, I will take that chance.

Just for the sake of what they call love.