**This is a very graphic and depressing depiction of my past few weeks. If you are easily offended, please skip this post. Thanks!
So a few posts ago (Judgment Day), I mentioned that I was going to wait for him in a very special place. And if he shows up, then it would be the start of a new friendship. A new page in our book.
I waited for four hours. I received an email early that morning, but I didn't open it. I have always believed that if you wait blindly for something, Fate would take pity on you, and send it your way.
Or maybe I just wanted to wait till the last possible moment, so I can give him all the possible excuses I can think of. So it will finally hit me that it really was over. So I will have no more excuses for myself.
And after four hours, it did. When I looked out the windows at the water. It hit hard.
And so I went on with my day, and back to school the next week.
And for some strange reason. We started talking again. And we were once again in that dysfunctional sort of friendship. It was almost like being with him again, but not exactly.
This past week, my life was shattered. I was hit with waves and waves of failure, crushing me to a pulp.
I had problems with work, school, family, and he had realized that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
Thursday afternoon, I made a decision. I was going to see him one last time, and if he holds me like he used to, or if he even makes the tiniest move to show that he cared, I will stay strong and pick up the pieces of my life.
But if he doesn't notice me at all, then that would be it. After all, he was the one person who had saved me many times before. If anyone saw any good in me, and can pull me back from the edge, it would be him.
He didn't see it.
I had no desire to live. At all. Nothing was important to me anymore. And apparently, I wasn't important to anyone either.
That was the closest I had ever gotten to end my life.
I felt my sanity slipping away from me. I was losing my grip, finally.
I walked around aimlessly for an hour, looking for the perfect spot to leave this world.
But guilt held me back. What would he think if I just killed myself? How would my family be able to live without me?
And so I ran back to my room, and put myself in a place where I was surrounded by people.
I distracted myself for the rest of the day, and went to him later that night to try to explain.
All he had was anger and hatred for me.
It was all over.
That night, I wondered aimlessly around for another few hours. I walked around in the misty rain until my feet were too frozen to walk another step.
I then sat outside until the sun came up, and showered and took myself to the counselor once again.
I didn't tell her the whole story, but I told her as much as I could without alarming her to take any actions.
And she tried analyzing the situation with me.
With the rest of my problems, she tried to convince me that everything has a solution.
She told me that I had a problem with trust. That I need to open up and trust someone with my secrets, to share my pain (Ha, like it turned out well the last time that happened.)
She said I needed to accept that I cannot be perfect. That I will fail. But I will pick up the pieces, and it will be okay.
For now, I can't find myself to trust anyone face to face. So I will trust this blog to hold onto my secrets, and not used them against me.
But with D, she made it painfully obvious that I have to start seeing the picture everyone else is seeing.
I have done enough. I had tried too many times to force him to come back to me. To love me again. I need to realize that he doesn't want to try anymore. I really have to face the truth and step back now.
She told me that I can let him know how hurt I am. But once I've made my point clear, it's time to let go. I can't keep reminding him that I'm hurt, I had to offer a solution.
So my solution is to leave him alone. Against the advice of the others, I will always welcome him back with open arms. I am always willing to try to work things out again.
But it's time I let it come to me, instead of chasing after it.
I thought if I tried hard enough, he would come back to me. He would realized how much he was missing without me in his life, that he really loved me and wants to be with me.
But I can't do it anymore. I've done enough.
"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours; they belong only to themselves. Possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be as harmful as neglect."
I've always believed that you have to fight for something if you really want it. It's never easy to keep a good thing in your life. It it's worth it, it's bound to be difficult.
But obviously, my way of life wasn't working, so it's time for a change.
I have always wanted a boy who would fight for me. Who feels privileged to be in love with a girl that would do anything for him. Someone who can show up unannounced to surprise me, who enjoys my company. Someone who would put in the effort needed to keep us together, to achieve the happiness we both deserve.
Right now, I still love him as much as I did the day we first fell in love. If not more.
He is still one of the most important people in my life, and one of the most talented and brilliant people I have ever met.
It's such a sad, sad thing that we cannot work things out. That he didn't feel compelled to put in the effort to stay in love with me.
But he's still amazing to me, and I still love him so much.
And I will only remember the good things between us when I think about the past 2+ years.
I will remember learning to love for the first time, learning to trust, and learning to embrace the love I had been given.
I will look back fondly at how effortless it can be to be happy. And how great he was at making me smile.
I love the word melancholy. It's such a beautifully sad word. I can almost feel the bitter sadness seeping out of it.
Today, I don't feel like I'm being forcefully drowned anymore. The pain is no longer violently strangling me.
Almost like dealing with a death of loved one...the initial shock is gone, but the truth has yet to sink it.
Now, I'm feeling more of an empty, bitter ache.
Tomorrow, I will be visiting that special place for the third time. And I think for the third time, it will be a completely new feeling I have never experienced.
And I don't know if I will ever find the right words to describe it.
Do as I say, not as I do.
9 months ago